Thursday, January 12, 2012

Just call me The Oracle of Delphi

Omniscient (adjective): having complete or unlimited knowledge, awareness, or understanding; perceiving all things. Used in a sentence: Jo is not omniscient, despite the fact that people think she is.

A big part of my work day involves answering questions, and that's cool by me. If someone walks up and asks if we sell a certain item, I can give a confident yes or no. I'm also good at leading a customer to that item's location. Not 100 percent accurate, mind you -- our store carries something like 40,000 different items, and departments get rearranged. When stumped, I click on my trusty walkie-talkie and tap into the collective brains of my coworkers. Once we arrive at said item, I've got a basic working knowledge of how to use the stuff we sell.

When I answer a phone call, I can give you driving directions to the store (within a reasonable area). I can tell you the hours we're open. I'll give you the phone number to one of our other stores in the area. I'll go take a look and see if something you want is in stock; I'll stash it as a "customer hold" for 24 hours.

Here's what I can't necessarily tell you, what with the not being omniscient and all:

."Well, if you don't sell This Thing I Want, who does???" (Try the Yellow Pages? Google it? Phone-a-Friend?)
. "How do I find your store? I need directions from my driveway, which is 40 miles away." (Ummm, Mapquest yourself to a main road, then call back? Spring for a GPS for your car? Go old school with a road atlas?)
."What time does That Store Across The Parking Lot close? Or That Restaurant Up The Street? Where's the closest liquor store?" (OK, OK. I know where the liquor store is; it's across the street.)
."Is this item on sale at That Store That Competes With You?" (Oh, I don't know. Let's call them and find out. And then ask me for directions on how to get there.)

And if you call and ask me what the price was for something that we stopped selling two years ago? Do not tell me that I'm nasty and rude when I politely respond that I'm sorry, I can't remember and won't play The Price Is Right as you throw out random numbers.

Finally: Don't even think about rolling your eyes at me when I can't fill in all your blanks. I'm the eye-roller in this relationship, friend.


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