Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Coffee Talk

I'm not a coffee person. It's one of those things I never developed a taste for, in spite of being assured by many grown-ups that I would learn to love it. I do love the aroma of coffee; if it tasted like it smelled, I'd be hooked.

That being said, I understand that the other 99 percent loves it some coffee. The shops are everywhere, and folks go everywhere with a cup in hand. Maybe someone should study whether or not coffee causes amnesia -- because I'm spending a fair amount of my work life disposing of orphan cups o' Joe.

When working a retail store's closing shift, the main task at hand is "recovery." You walk the aisles, on the prowl for misplaced merchandise ("I decided not to buy it, so I'll stash it on a random shelf") or opened packages that can be resealed ("I know it's packed in clear cellophane, but I had to touch it") or opened packages that are empty ("Take the wire; leave the wrapper"). That goes with the territory. People who'd cast you out of their own homes for not using a coaster under a beverage will leave a swath of destruction that the Storm Chasers would rate an F-5.

But a committee somewhere has rewritten "give a hoot, don't pollute" to exclude the disposable coffee cup. Set it free to see the world. So, when I find a full-ish cup? I figure the owner put it down, forgot about it, and wandered away. (See amnesia theory, above.) A half-empty cup? I don't know -- maybe it got cold, maybe it's the amnesia, maybe the drinker is trying to cut back on the habit. An empty cup? Slob. A slob who'd throw you out for using one of the "good" hand towels in her powder room.

Like an inmate marking the days in stir, maybe I should start keeping a tally of how many cups I collect. Maybe I should build a Great Wall of Cups. Maybe I should start charging a 15 percent gratuity for my stellar work as a busboy. Maybe all the Coffee Shoppers should invest in travel mugs. And hang them from their necks on a lanyard.

Then again, don't. I like keeping busy.

P.S. Please don't empty the travel mug out your car window while you're waiting at a light or parking the car. It ain't water.




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